Sunday, April 7, 2013

CCP lays off 10,000 players.

REYKYAVIK-CCP announced today due to budget cuts and restructuring they will be forced to lay off approximately 10,000 players from EvE online, the popular online space ship second job.

"This is not a decision we have made lightly, but we feel that it is a necessary next step for the company to move on and grow."  Stated CEO Hilmar during a press conference earlier today.  "We wish our former players the best of luck, and hope they find new opportunities in other games they can treat like second jobs, mindlessly grinding away at activities that no sane human being could ever find remotely enjoyable."

As a result, many angry players are now out on the cold, and having to actually physically interact with other human beings, with only their actual jobs to sustain them.

"I spent at least 4 hours a day organizing spreadsheets for my shuttle manufacturing business."  One of the layed off players stated.  "Now what do I do?  No other game has managed to be as much of a joyless grind as EvE."  This sentiment was repeated by numerous players, from miners operating 10 accounts at once, POS logistics specialists spending hours on mundane and repetitive chores, and especially CEOs of major corporations tired of dealing with all the fucking drama and bullshit.  Seriously, not a fucking day goes by when one of you isn't crying because someone said something in chat that hurt your feelings or a blue stole your ratting spot or whatever.  Christ, shut the fuck up and grow some fucking balls. It's like dealing with bunch of fucking children.

"Many of these EvE players will be able to transfer their skills at masochistically doing the same thing over and over again into other MMO opportunists." One analyst claimed. One place these players are likely to find second jobs in the is growing Asian MMO market which features numerous 'games' that are not fun in the slightest and feature soul crushingly repetitive grinds.  These type of games are frequently referred to as 'free to play' due to the massive cost associated with doing absolutely anything in them.

Some feel it isn't all bad though.  "I was planning on retiring from playing EvE online to work full time anyway."  Another capsuleer said in regards to being laid off.  "I might start doing some WoW raiding on the side too.  It's not enough of a tedious grind that it makes you question the purpose of life itself, but it keeps you busy."

CCP has announced the reason for the lay-offs is to free up the resources necessary for next expansion; a 5% increase in fuel bay size for Black Ops Battleships.  

Monday, April 1, 2013

CCP Announces new Offline Mode for Miners, Mission Runners.

REYKJAVIK-Today CCP announced a stunning new feature for the summer expansion, Odyssey: an offline mode for those who enjoy mining and mission running dubbed 'Eve Offline.'

"Eve Offline is perfect for those who enjoy EvE online but want to avoid the social aspect entirely."  Stated CCP in their release presentation.  "We all know the worst part of EvE online is the players, and with the new EvE Offline expansion, now you won't have to deal with them."

CCP went on to state that the goal of Odyssey is to bring back the excitement and wonderment of exploring but at the same time to make sure that everyone is able to control exactly what happens to them at all times, to ensure no unwanted types of game play occur.

"Online interactions are hard to control, which is why they can't be rated.  We can't choose to deliver a more lighthearted experience for the younger audience as long as the random nature of online game play is present." CCP went on to explain.  "This is why we are so excited about EvE Offline as it gives us a great opportunity to reach out to new demographics and target 12 and under crowd."

CCP plans to further iterate on the concept later and eventually plans to add AI companions that players can hire to salvage for them, or group up with to run incursions.  CCP also hinted at bigger things to come.

"A full blown single player campaign for EvE Offline is also in the works.  This will be a thrilling adventure around the universe of EvE in which the capsuleer begins their career as a lowly rookie, completing mining missions before eventually moving up to level 4 missions and incursions.  Eventually the player will leave the safety of high-sec to begin a life of piracy in low-sec and finally build an entire 0.0 empire.  These are all things that are possible now in EvE Online, but with EvE Offline we can finally remove any risk or challenge and dumb it down to the lowest common denominator."

CCP also announced DUST 314 will be receiving a single player campaign taking inspiration from the Modern Military Shooter genre.  CCP promises to deliver a tightly scripted cinematic 3 hour campaign with linear levels, a cheesy B-movie action plot, gimmicks that only come up once and are discarded, and scripted sequences in which the player is not in control taking up at least a third of total playtime.

Eve Offline debuts this summer and is free but requires an active EvE Online subscription and constant internet connection to play.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

CCP Fozzie's Latest Ship Balance Blog Just A String of Random Profanity.

CCP Fozzie has clearly lost his shit.

REYKJAVIK-CCP Fozzie today released a new post on Ship balance, in which the beleaguered dev spent 7 pages discussing his unabashed hatred for every single player in the game.   "I work my ass off 50+ hours a week for you ungrateful little shits and all I get for it is you bitching on the forums about how much you miserable fucks hate everything."  An on obviously inhebrated CCP Fozzie explained.  "Well guess what?  The Hookbill now has +5% to shield resistance per level, but only 1 mid slot.  How do you like that shit!?  Oh and Rifters?  They now have 857,402 powergrid and 2 CPU.  Deal with it, fuckers.  I AM YOUR GOD!"

Fozzie then broke a bottle over his desk and started brandishing it at any co-worker who got too close.

Players on Sisi have noted a few undocumented changes as well.  For example, shuttles now all have  15,946,875,000kg mass (about seven times that of an Avatar Titan) with an alignment time of 11 hours.

Players are divided on the new ship balance.  While no one feels the changes are good, most breathed a sigh of relief. 

"I mean, it's not good, but this is CCP we are talking about."  Said one Capsuleer.  "If even half the ships in the universe survive a rebalance pass I call that a win."   Others offered a different opinion.  "This is the second worst expansion since Incarna."  One Capsuleer stated.  "I mean, the changes are completely non-sensical and done at the whim of a drunken madman.  Don't get me wrong, though, it's no where near as bad as Incarna... but it's bad.  I mean, my Dominix now has a 35 million km3 drone bay but only 5
Mbit/sec bandwidth so I can only launch 1 light drone at a time.  What the hell?"

Among other changes CCP Fozzie has announced is Merlins now have 248 billion shield points, Rookie ships can now bridge and jump to cynos, and Black Ops have been given a 5% bigger fuel bay.

Act of Kindness, Decency Occurs Within Eve Online

Random Act of Kindness, Decency occurs in EvE online.

JITA-CCP announced today that at 01:45 EvE time, for the first time in the history of the game, a random act of kindness and decency occurred in EvE online. 

A young capsuleer "YungLikeYorse" recently accepted a courier contract to move goods to Jita from 6 jumps out.  The contract had a collateral set of 100 million isk, but upon opening the container Yung discovered that the contents was actually worth just under a billion isk.   Rather than simply breaching the contact and selling the freight for a profit, Yung completed the contract then sent an EvEmail to the issuer reminding them to always double check the collateral amount on contracts before issuing them.

The player base has reacted to this announcement with a mix of shock, denial, outrage and disgust.

"It's just sickening that someone would decide to show decency to another human being." one area pirate commented while sitting on a gate with a full rack of smart bombs and 2 warp core stabilizers.  "That's not what EvE is about.  That's not what we stand for."

Others have responded with denial, posing scenarios such as Yung trying to earn the trust of the capsuleer to infiltrate his corporation in order to steal even more assets.  These hopes were quickly dashed when it was revealed that Yung is already in a small corporation of friends who simply play the game to enjoy it.  

"It's bad enough that he was displaying the ability to feel empathy for another human being, but playing EvE for FUN!? That's just sick." Stated one miner who took the time out of running 17 accounts to make a statement before returning to the game that had become a second full time job for him.

CCP has vowed a full examination into the incident and how it could have occurred and why.  Some capsuleers have demanded CCP remove the isk from the contract issuer and return it to Yung.  CCP has responded by stating that while they do not condone Yung's actions, they believe to interfere in them would destroy the aspect of freedom that exists in EvE. 

"We created EvE to be a sandbox in which people of all different races and creeds could come together to be complete dicks to each other."  A CCP Spokesperson stated in response to the incident.  "While we all find Yung's actions deplorable, it's important to remember that the same freedom that allows him to act like a decent human being also allows total douchebags to scam, exploit, and grief each other endlessly.  While we all find the idea of Good troubling, remember that without it, there can be no true Evil."

Many players are simply seeing this as a sign of the times.  "It used to be everyone was completely insensitive assholes.  Now-a-days people actually treat each other with respect and don't seek to crush them under heel just because they can."  One capsuleer stated while sitting docked waiting out his criminal flag for suicide ganking a hulk in high-sec for no fucking reason.  "If I can't pay 15 dollars a month to be a petty bully because I'm desperate to feel superior to others I'm not exactly sure what I'd do."